Cool for cats DOGS

The Swansea Show
Monday 28th May 2007

John Peel said of The Fall "always the same, always different", I'd like to say the same about the Swansea Show but it's "always the same, always the same". Every year someone at the council gets out his big 'ol dusty file and starts ringing... "hello, is that the climbing wall?", "hello, can I speak to the person in charge of providing an over priced beer trailer?", "hello, are you the dancing Native American troupe?". Every year I go to the show and every year it's the same layout, same stalls, same 'attractions'. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "if it's so bad, stop going!", I would if only they didn't put on the dog show, "no dogs - no show", that's what I say.

So, every year I get on the bus to town, then I get on the bus to the park and when I get there I start moaning about everything being the same as last year, I walk past the same stalls selling the same old tat that they were selling 12 months ago. The last two years I've enjoyed watching the horse displays with my girlfriend, I've learned that horses are measured in hands and cause I'm so clever I'm always going "oooh, that one's big, must be about 16 hands", it was funny the first few times, but I think she's tired of it now. The best horse thing they have is called the 'scurry' where, basically, a fat old man in a bowler hat and his mate tie a big pram to two horses and belt around a course trying not to knock tennis balls of traffic cones, it's brilliant.

The dog show is located right next to the horse track so after a while, bursting with excitement, I leave the toffs to their prams and hit the main attraction. It really doesn't matter which point you arrive at because as far as I can tell any dog can be entered into about 20 different categories so the same dogs are there all day, and lets not forget that, to the naked eye, all dogs look the same unless you are a 'fancier'; so if you miss one cool Bichon Frise there will be one of equal cuteness along in a bit. As a vegan I shouldn't really say this but the only thing that could make a dog show better is if there was a category for the best dog in fancy dress, there are few things funnier than a chihuahua in a cowboy hat and neckerchief, or a pug dressed as a pig for that matter.

Now, let's get down to business, here are the results of the show...um, I don't know the results, nor do I care cause it's not fair to say that one dog has straighter legs than another cause all dogs are created equal, just like humans; "there's an Irishman, a Welshman, and an Englishman, which one has the longest legs?", see, it's mental. I judge the dog shows for myself, the pug always wins the 'most squashed face' award, the spaniel wins 'most disobedient' and a great dane always takes home the 'tallest dog here' trophy for his kennel.

This year was particularly good because one of the pugs had a poo in the ring, that was my favourite bit. There was also this 'rasta dog', I don't know what breed it is but I bet it likes Reggae Reggae Sauce on its Pedigree Chum. There are always millions of dogs at the show, people from far and wide bring their mutts along in the hope that one of the judges will spot them from across the arena and say "you, over there, get in the ring, your dog is flipping brilliant!" Of course that never happens cause their legs won't be good enough to make the grade, it takes years of tail tugging practice to get a fox terrier to stand to attention. So, next year make sure you get to the Swansea Show, it's "always the same, always the same".

(Click on photos to view them bigger)

MP3: The Fall: Bingo Masters Break-Out From Live at the Witch Trials

Meeting Daniel Johnston

The Comedy Store, Manchester
Monday 21st May 2007

Before the gig I was taken Daniel's dressing room, pretty quickly I noticed that he was really quiet compared to the supports who were also in the room, they were all having a good time and Daniel was just sat, hunched, chain smoking and drinking coke, he didn't even lift his head.

After the supports left to go on stage I said hello to him and said that his brother said I could take some photos and he just went "uh-huh", didn't look up, I asked him how ATP went and he said "uh-huh", I asked if he minded me taking some photos and he said "uh-huh", not once lifting his head. I gave him a set of comic badges I'd bought for him with "pow" and "zapp" and stuff on them, he said he really liked them and right away just zoned out again. I snapped one pic of his reflection in the mirror and left him to his thoughts.

I spoke to his brother upstairs who said he was ok during soundcheck but had just gone out of it. He said that he ended up playing both days at ATP and an outdoor show as well and that he'd had a really good time. He said he'd probably be in better spirits after the gig so I decided to leave him to it until then.

During the gig he was on top form, he was joking, smiling and seemed really happy. I went backstage right after the gig and he was sat back in his chair same as earlier smoking and drinking coke again, he was pretty untalkative to the supports (who played with him on most of the set), then he went outside for a smoke and was out there a good 10mins, he came back in, hunched into his chair and continued smoking.

Badly Drawn Boy (Daniel had no idea who he was) came in to the dressing room, I can't remember why but daniel said he wanted to get on a major label again and record in the big studios, and that he wanted to be famous, within the next 10 mins BDB bragged about being "the most famous musician from Manchester", being "a millionaire", recording a big budget video in london the next day and (laughably) said "I'm the best songwriter I know". He was 'joking' about all this stuff of course but he very obviously believed what he was saying! A very insensitive choice of things to talk about if you ask me. Daniel seemed to sit silently for AGES before answering people at times, there was this great example where BDB asked him if he wanted to release an EP on his label, there must have been a 30sec pause before Daniel looked up, really animated, and went into this big thing about how in movies and comics you can do things that would be dangerous in real life and thats why he likes them so much, then he just slumped down again. BDB was all "I play shows and I say my fave musicians are Bobby Conn, Wesley Willis and Daniel Johnston and nobody knows who they are" obviously pulling out the most obscure dudes he knew to appear cool, so I said to him "but you're a big Springsteen fan, people have heard of him". Daniel said he was a big fan too and that he'd seen him 3 times, BDB of course was better than that, he'd seen him 30 times and actually played with him 5 weeks ago. He was such a twit! His girlfriend made him leave and on the way out the door he went "ahhhhh" like he'd just met a disabled child in a hospital. That really annoyed me cause Daniel very probably heard.

By this point I thought Daniel had had enough hassle for one night so i asked him to do me a drawing and right away he came alive, he asked me what I'd been up to, I said that I'd just been working to which he replied "working is a real drag, I havent worked since 1986, I used to work in Mcdonalds" he gave me my drawing and right away zoned out again. I packed up my gear and said that I liked his full band, studio recorded albums and the direction he was moving in but all I got was "uh-huh" so I said my goodbyes and went on my merry way...

It was not the great meeting with a musical genius that I was hoping for BUT it was certainly a really intimate peak into his life and something I will never forget.

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