Cool for cats DOGS

The Swansea Show
Monday 28th May 2007

John Peel said of The Fall "always the same, always different", I'd like to say the same about the Swansea Show but it's "always the same, always the same". Every year someone at the council gets out his big 'ol dusty file and starts ringing... "hello, is that the climbing wall?", "hello, can I speak to the person in charge of providing an over priced beer trailer?", "hello, are you the dancing Native American troupe?". Every year I go to the show and every year it's the same layout, same stalls, same 'attractions'. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "if it's so bad, stop going!", I would if only they didn't put on the dog show, "no dogs - no show", that's what I say.

So, every year I get on the bus to town, then I get on the bus to the park and when I get there I start moaning about everything being the same as last year, I walk past the same stalls selling the same old tat that they were selling 12 months ago. The last two years I've enjoyed watching the horse displays with my girlfriend, I've learned that horses are measured in hands and cause I'm so clever I'm always going "oooh, that one's big, must be about 16 hands", it was funny the first few times, but I think she's tired of it now. The best horse thing they have is called the 'scurry' where, basically, a fat old man in a bowler hat and his mate tie a big pram to two horses and belt around a course trying not to knock tennis balls of traffic cones, it's brilliant.

The dog show is located right next to the horse track so after a while, bursting with excitement, I leave the toffs to their prams and hit the main attraction. It really doesn't matter which point you arrive at because as far as I can tell any dog can be entered into about 20 different categories so the same dogs are there all day, and lets not forget that, to the naked eye, all dogs look the same unless you are a 'fancier'; so if you miss one cool Bichon Frise there will be one of equal cuteness along in a bit. As a vegan I shouldn't really say this but the only thing that could make a dog show better is if there was a category for the best dog in fancy dress, there are few things funnier than a chihuahua in a cowboy hat and neckerchief, or a pug dressed as a pig for that matter.

Now, let's get down to business, here are the results of the show...um, I don't know the results, nor do I care cause it's not fair to say that one dog has straighter legs than another cause all dogs are created equal, just like humans; "there's an Irishman, a Welshman, and an Englishman, which one has the longest legs?", see, it's mental. I judge the dog shows for myself, the pug always wins the 'most squashed face' award, the spaniel wins 'most disobedient' and a great dane always takes home the 'tallest dog here' trophy for his kennel.

This year was particularly good because one of the pugs had a poo in the ring, that was my favourite bit. There was also this 'rasta dog', I don't know what breed it is but I bet it likes Reggae Reggae Sauce on its Pedigree Chum. There are always millions of dogs at the show, people from far and wide bring their mutts along in the hope that one of the judges will spot them from across the arena and say "you, over there, get in the ring, your dog is flipping brilliant!" Of course that never happens cause their legs won't be good enough to make the grade, it takes years of tail tugging practice to get a fox terrier to stand to attention. So, next year make sure you get to the Swansea Show, it's "always the same, always the same".

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