We are all going to die

Tyron Francis
26.06.81 - Present

I will never forget the first time I realized I was going to die. I was 17, laying on my bed watching a programme on tv about the universe, they were talking about how, in 2 billion years, Earth will crash into the sun and be destroyed. My heart sank and I was overcome with terror, a single tear ran down my cheek, this was the beginning of what was to become a serious depression that lasted for years, and to some degree continues still.


For 7 years I was plagued by a very unhealthy obsession with death and not in the "I listen to Marilyn Manson" sense of the word. Every single day I thought of death, specifically my own and when and how I would go, it was unbearable, but being the stubborn little bugger than I am I did bear it. These thoughts chipped away until there was nothing left of me, during my 22nd year I was completely useless, nothing could stop the thoughts, my life completely fell apart. At the time it was horrible, in fact horrible doesn't do it justice, I don't believe there is even a word that can describe the living hell that is the bottom of a pit of depression. Resisting the urge to put an end to the misery is the most difficult thing I have ever done. There was only one thing that stopped me from 'doing it' - fear.


In no way, shape or form do I believe in God or Satan or Heaven or Hell but these were the things that prevented me from jumping in front of a car, or slitting my wrists or overdosing (I kept my options open). It was the not knowing, the fear of what awaited me, would I just become worm food as I truly believed or would I go straight to Hell for putting a big dent in someone's brand new BMW? The stakes were too high and luckily I found the right medication just in time. These drugs continue to suppress the evil, nasty little thoughts of dying. These days I can look at an old person struggling to get on the bus without too much mental anguish, I can enjoy a walk in the cemetery and I can listen to The Magnetic Fields without bursting into tears.

For a few years I've wanted to shoot photos at a funeral directors to face up to my fears man to man but I was never man enough so to speak, I feel like I could look a corpse in the eye now, I feel like a gamble. This is a call to funeral directors, funeral directors' sons and the friends of funeral directors, I would like to spend some time photographing the time between death and burial, spread the word and if you think you can help me out contact me through my site at tfrancis photography

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MP3: Scout Niblett: Your Beat Kicks Back Like Death From I Am